I looked in the mirror and started to cry

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I looked in the mirror and started to cry

Kathryn Gardner • September 8, 2022

I looked in the mirror and started to cry

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There are 2 people that I would follow anywhere, my therapist and my hair stylist! When you find a good one, you are a match and she just can’t be replaced.

When we moved to Tampa, FL this past summer, I knew I needed to start all over. I searched online for a hair stylist that local moms recommended. I set-up my appointment and hoped for the best.

When I got there, I explained exactly what I wanted for the cut, really, just a trim of my current cut. As for the color, my Chicago stylist had written down my lowlight and highlight colors. I felt so confident!

The new stylist was chatty and eager to show me her skills. My hair is super thick and she was struggling. It was taking much longer than she expected and her next client was tapping her foot waiting. I left the chair soaking wet and only got a brief glance in the car mirror. When I got home, I looked in the mirror and started to cry. It was WAY TOO SHORT and the color was terrible! I felt so helpless, sad and upset. I was meeting so many new people in our new town and I didn’t want to make THIS kind of first impression!

This spiraled into days of scrolling online at other mom’s posts about their HAPPY families, PERFECT houses, CUTE outfits and DELICIOUS dinners. I compared myself to each and every one of them. I was in a terrible place with my self-esteem and all I could see was everyone else getting it RIGHT! All I could see was others happy and successful. I felt down and like every aspect of myself and my family was NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I could feel the social anxiety in my chest (that elephant pressure I get when my anxiety is high). I wanted to avoid going anywhere. My anxiety (I call her Judge Judy, she sits on my shoulder and squawks all kinds of unkind things in my ear!) said I would look bad and be judged. I didn’t think anyone would directly come up to me and say, “Hey, wow, your hair!” It was more of my internal insecurities coming out. I didn’t like the way I looked and knew it would take weeks to grow it out again.

This hair disaster led to Comparison Anxiety. When I read about other people’s lives it gave me such sadness. I was comparing myself and making an unfair comparison. I needed to stop. Nothing good was going to come of this. It certainly wasn’t lifting my mood or stopping my anxious thoughts. My thoughts needed to shift and I needed to make a change.

Here’s what I did to stop the negative comparison thoughts, manage my anxiety and bring my self-esteem back up.

STOP Sign

Stop, I am comparing myself to others.

Stop, I don’t know what that mom’s day is like.

Stop, I don’t know how happy she really is.

Stop, she is probably looking around for ways to improve too.

Stop, your hair does not define you.

Stop, your appearance is only the external beauty, God knows your heart and who you are.

Stop, your hair will grow back.

Stop, you can find a new stylist in a few weeks and try again!

Unfair Comparisons

I was making unfair comparisons. I was focused on what I could see about their day and life and jumped to the conclusion that mine was worse. Mine is not better or worse, just different. I need to stop looking online for acceptance or reassurance. I need to recognize each time one of these intrusive negative thoughts appears and use my STOP SIGN!

Find a Solution

The best way that I can turn this uncomfortable situation around is to find a solution. I can write down my positives, so that my mind shifts its focus and I put my energy into what I can control.

I have been eating well and exercising regularly, I can give myself credit for my healthy body.
I can look up a cute way to style short hair until it does grow out.
I can ask other women I meet about their hair stylist and call ahead about my hair type.

One of my favorite books on self-esteem is by Leslie Sokol and Marci Fox Think Confident, Be Confident: A Four-Step Program to Eliminate Doubt and Achieve Lifelong Self-esteem (Amazon link)

When Comparison Anxiety Sends You Spinning

What is a situation that you have been in lately where you felt upset and stuck? Were you comparing yourself to someone else? Did you believe that they had it better? Did your emotions flood in? Did your anxiety rise? Did you avoid somewhere or someone? Did you feel like you couldn’t find a solution?

Common Areas Moms Compare Themselves:

Appearance
Organization level
Meals
Happy kids
Successful kids
Wealth
Activity planning
Creativity

What other areas do you find yourself comparing yourself unfairly?

To move from comparing to confidence, try the 3 steps in your journal notebook:

Stop and recognize the facts of the situation.
Notice the pattern or a common topic you compare.
Develop a solution plan and start action.

You can recognize a key area that you want to improve on by realizing you compare yourself often. For instance, if you get down on yourself about how other moms seem so organized, show up on time and have what their kids need for each event, then that is giving you information that THAT area is important to you. Get to work learning new organizing techniques and how to plan the day. You will be improving a little every day with your new solution plan.

Mama, we’ve got to get this Judge Judy out of our heads! I want to be present and find tranquility. Tranquility is a state of no distress, so that I can feel joy, peace and love fully. I know it starts with accepting what is.

This is your life today.

You can accept that it is right where you are supposed to be. If there are challenges, use them to grow and improve. If there are disappointments, use those to step back and appreciate the positives and the blessings. Let’s stop comparing and have confidence in the beautiful life we have been given.

Upcoming book in 2022 by Kathryn Gardner ~ Find Tranquility on Your Family Trip: Rest, Recharge and Connect on Your Family Trip. Plus 100 Christian Family Travel Activities

So glad you are on this journey with me to go from stressed to refreshed! Find your tranquility today!

Be well and God bless,

Coach Kathy

Kathryn Gardner, mom of 2, police wife, and Therapist specializing in the wellness of moms & Certified Health Coach moved with her family to Tampa, FL to be near the ocean and explore the health benefits of nature. Her passion is helping stressed moms find tranquility! Check out TranquilityMoms.com for the latest blog post and YouTube video. She posts encouraging messages on Instagram and Facebook.